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Instead of blaming everything on hormones, let us now start working towards becoming better people and let’s see what the parents can do.

“Adulthood, American psychologist Granville Stanley Hall said, was akin to the fully evolved man of reason; childhood a time of savagery; and adolescence a period of wild exuberance, which he described as primitive, or “neo-atavistic,” and therefore only slightly more controlled than the absolute anarchy of childhood”

Excerpt From

The Teenage Brain

Frances E. Jensen

This material may be protected by copyright. 

In brief, going through adolescence is like waiting in line for a doctor’s appointment with a thousand patients lined up in front of you- you come in positively, grow uncertain or optimistic looking at the people coming out of the office, feel uncomfortable in your space, sense a lack of privacy. And then with a bad report from the doctor, you may feel infuriated and betrayed and confused and morose and maybe composed ALL at the same time. That is how teenagers feel all of the time.

Now, as author Frances E. Jansen, MD, puts it, “When your three-year-old has a temper tantrum, do you blame it on raging hormones? Of course not. We know, simply, that three-year-olds haven’t yet figured out how to control themselves.”

Excerpt From

The Teenage Brain

Frances E. Jensen

This material may be protected by copyright.

This applies for teenagers as well. The teenage brain is “seeing” hormones for the first time. Because of this, the brain hasn’t yet accustomed itself to this new influx of chemicals and isn’t sure about how it should be modulating its responses. 

Coming back to Hall, who said, “character and personality are taking form, but everything is plastic”, referring to the adolescent brain and its malleability. Hall’s suggestion to parents and educators: Adolescents shouldn’t be coddled but rather be corralled and indoctrinated with the ideals of public service, discipline, altruism, patriotism, and respect for authority. 

These values in turn make a person socially and personally responsible, and holistically humane. 

But are we really even trying to imbibe these values in our teenagers now? In a rat race to achieve the perfect paragon of a child, an epitome of submission and intelligence, are we forgetting about stationing basic human decency?

The IIT Delhi CS kid with no honesty, no camaraderie, no responsibility, rationality, or obligations, couldn’t possibly survive a working environment, no, far less a leader position. At least, I find that hard to believe. 

“Teachers used to beat up students but that number has started decreasing now. New teachers don’t beat up kids but they scold them, only when they deliberately disturb the class. But they would still hit them and use cuss words for them right in front of them. So, now the teacher can’t even scold them or say anything when some students disturb the whole class just to test teacher’s patience. I know people who didn’t not even hit the student, just got scolded for bunking the class and the teacher still got slapped or punched. 2 years back i went to a school as an intern, I worked so hard preparing my lesson a day before my class. Next day, I go and start teaching, everyone is listening and clearing their doubts, but there was one kid who intentionally started disturbing the class, went to other students desks and just kept bugging them and i politely told him to go to his seat but he would not listen and lastly i shouted and said SIT DOWN. He did sit down but also used cuss words for me, right in front of me. So, I do agree with you that teachers started it and now students are more aware of their Rights but they also have to be aware of their RESPONSIBILITIES. And, there are legal ways to seek justice as there are multitude of NGOs that work on such issues, one should definitely get their help if a teacher hits them.” – @kumkum0805 via @awkwargoat3’s Instagram post

Incidences like these clearly portray the negligence towards a child’s reflection on their behaviour and social responsibilities. @kumkum0805 (Instagram) has rightly said that teenagers are now aware about their rights, now need to be aware of their responsibilities. 

So now, helicopter parenting is out of the equation. But what I really want to bold out is, parents and teenagers not knowing how to come to healthy decisions and ways to live with each their own rights and responsibilities is what starts a chain of incidences such as above. 

I’ve heard this come from my mother to me too, at least a 100 times and I have very very recently started seeing the truth to it. A battle ensues between teens who want rights and parents who want their kids to be responsible. 

So, let’s dive deeper into what these rights and responsibilities really are.

Every teenager has a right to rewards. They also have basic rights to food, shelter, education, health care, and security as they develop and grow into maturity.

Now, a teen may want to have tons of rights added to these. 

They want the right to go hang out with their friends, the right to have and spend your money, the right to stay up late, the right to make their own decisions, the right to decide when and what they want to study etc.

Now, according to me, if your teen is not off spending a whole month’s savings or off making someone pregnant, they should have these rights. But then again, there’s a clause attached. 

Let’s see it as a normal non-haphazard non-extreme diet.

You can have everything, but in a limit, to a certain extent, and if you go beyond that, there’s consequences, and worse ones in our case. Now, these limits too, vary with each type of edibles, or in our case, demands.

Let’s say your teen wants to go hang out with their friends, then, you get to have a say in who is coming, what time they’re going and what time they’re coming back, where they’re going, and what they will be doing. Don’t be a miser and put on too many restrictions on trivial things, eg. only one hour and I’ll come with you.

Personally, I’ve never had this happen to me, but I suppose there are parents out there doing so. 

As a teen gets more and more experience with handling various difficult situations, they will become more and more responsible. They just won’t get there magically without practice. So, a parent must set up ways in which a teen can earn access to privileges he’d like to have and then the parent must monitor the teen’s level of responsibility. When it falls below standard, some correction is given, but then the kid needs to get another try. Practice makes perfect. It’s okay to let teens have those types of difficult experiences. Each of those situations results in learning more and more about how the world works and it takes a person who understands how things work to be truly responsible. Unless a kid is allowed some room to make mistakes, make decisions, try theories, experiment with different behaviour styles or attitudes, he will never learn what works and what doesn’t, and he’ll never become… RESPONSIBLE.

PUTTING TOO MANY RESTRICTIONS MAKES ONE FEEL RIPPED OFF OF POWER AND WANT TO BREAK OUT, CREATING DISTURBANCES.

HOW DO YOU HELP YOUR TEEN BE A BETTER PERSON IN THE SOCIETY, AND TO YOU?

Everything starts from within. Within your heart, within your brain, within your house and within your circle. If you want your teen to communicate with you, start talking to them yourself. You want your teen to be more respectful? Start doing that yourself.

Try and be a good friend to your teen. A good friend doesn’t always know your deepest and darkest secrets and isn’t entitled to it. But a good friend knows what’s going on with you, how you’re feeling once in a while, and gets to have fun with you and gets to argue with you.

A good friend gets to have a say in what you do and how you do it, whether or not you like it, or choose to follow it. A good friend doesn’t burden you with expectations for themselves or judge you as harshly as a stranger or a very close person would.

I understand that, as a parent, this is hard but if you’re expecting so much from your children, maybe they should get something in “return” too.

Start appreciating your teen for the little things they do, making them feel more accepted and want to do the same for longer.

Be a good role model, be someone you’d want your teen to be or have the values you want to inculcate in your teen.

Support your kid and encourage inclusivity, acceptance, introspection, curiosity, exploration, kindness, discipline (but not submissive behaviour) and decision-making.

Don’t force your agenda onto them and learn to have an open mind. Stop worrying about the future too much, and focus on the present.

Trying to live vicariously through your teen, even subconsciously, leads to you putting extensive pressure on your teen, the seed to a future rebellious kid.

(Know that not every mistake your kid makes is a reflection of you and your personality. Sometimes, kids turn out so different from their parents just because of the people they surround themselves with.

eg. https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare)

Now, what should parents expect in “return”?

First of all, telling your teenager you “expect something in return” will set them mad and not want to give you anything anymore (even if they planned on, let’s say, completing all their homework as it came for the next week). So, let’s not do that. 

I remember going to a cafe with my friends out of the blue and convincing my mom into it. After my mom agreed, I was so ecstatic, I planned on giving away my phone to her to lock away and study all day like crazyyy. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but I did give away my phone, not happily at all, because I was greeted to a rant saying, “You’re wasting away your life and there’s no way you’re going to achieve something being like this”.

So, parents, maybe let’s cool down a bit.

But, teens, you need to start listening to them!!

IT’S YOUR TURN TO LISTEN (AGAIN, LIKE ALWAYS (lol))

Your parents and teachers and all your elders deserve your respect, empathy, attention, and you should be giving that to them. 

Try to be as kind and helpful to others as you can. It is wonderful for the people you help but also makes you feel great!

Maybe add nice little additive advantages to your proposals. Try promising something in your capability and not only your “wish” in return of your demand. Start EXPLAINING YOURSELF to your parents and elders because they may not always know why you want what you want or why you’re acting the way you’re acting.

Try not to judge others. Unless you have lived in someone’s shoes for a long time, you have no idea what their life is like and why they behave the way they do.

Develop yourself so you can be a person who adds value to the society by doing as well as you can in school and developing skills necessary to live a well rounded life.

Start speaking up for yourself but learn to be respectful while doing the same.

NOTE THAT EVEN IF ANYONE HAS BEEN UNKIND TO YOU, YOU SHOULD NOT RECIPROCATE IT. (That just messes up your position and agenda)

AND ALSO, YOU HAVE NO “RIGHT” TO CURSE AT SOMEONE OR ABUSE OR BEAT OR BE DISRESPECTFUL TO AN ELDER FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL. (I mean that just shows you’re a bad person)

February 2022, my 16-going on 17-year-old neighbor committed suicide, apparently due to academic pressure.

My neighbor who seemed perfectly normal just a week before this, who showed “no noticeable signs” earlier, ended up hanging himself, for a tuition test result gone bad.

Hearing about such incidences, everybody starts instinctively judging the victim’s parents or their social circles not particularly being aware of the mental condition of their own people or have a sense of denial about the whole situation, thinking that nothing of this sort could actually happen to the people they love; “Mera ghar perfect hai, mere yaha aisa kuch ho nahi sakta”

Is it though? And what are you supposed to do, if you do notice signs? How do you help your teen? How do you help yourself? What’s a preventive measure? What is therapy? Why the stigma? Do you need therapy?

What is therapy?

Therapy is heavily censured and more so, in India.

Also called psychotherapy or counseling (note: this does not necessarily include a psychiatrist), having a therapy session is meeting and having certain introspecting conversations with a therapist to resolve problematic behaviors, beliefs, feelings, relationship issues, or somatic responses (sensations in the body). Through therapy, one can change self-destructive behaviors and habits, resolve painful feelings, improve relationships, and more.

In this blog, I will mostly focus on psychological therapy.

Who needs counseling?

Basically, everyone needs or gets benefitted from therapy, more particularly, everyone experiencing emotional and physical difficulties affecting their lives, but wanting to be stronger, happier, and healthier. Those who tried many things on their own in the past, but which did not work, or did not work sustainably.

But it’s only for extremely disturbed and crazy people, isn’t it?!

NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO. The number of times I’ve heard this from some of my own classmates/their parents is dumbfounding and uncountable. First things first, the majority of the people who opt for counseling do not have major or serious mental illnesses. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope. This, in turn, may be adversely affecting their well-being and ability to function as well as they would like. Most people who see therapists are not dangerous, violent, or even eccentric. Mentally ill people are actually more likely to be victims of violence, according to a study published in the American Journal of Mental Health.

BUSTING IMPORTANT AND COMMON MYTHS!

If you have watched Suits, you already know, through Louis Litt, about the reluctance, stigma, hard comings, and mostly, the benefits of being in therapy.

This section of this blog is extremely important.

“People get forced to go to therapy”

The vast majority of people who see therapists do so of their own will. They want help and are willing to deal with the stigma of seeking treatment for mental health problems. People with mental illness that has reduced their functioning to the point where they are dangerous usually need psychiatric treatment before they commit to therapy.

“Therapy is only for people with mental illness”

In the same way, people visit doctors when they aren’t sick — they might want a checkup, test, or advice — therapy is not exclusively for people with diagnosed mental illness. Good therapists listen to us without judgment and teach us how to solve problems in a healthy way and live a happier life. This is something all of us want, whether we seek help or not.

“People who go to therapy are broken or something is wrong with them”

Therapy is a tool for people to explore themselves, which they believe will help them lead better lives and overcome sadness. It’s not a “fix.”  

“People who go to therapy are too weak to handle things on their own”

Imagine telling someone who was recently in a car accident that seeing a doctor meant they were too weak to recover from the injuries on their own. It sounds harsh, but it’s not so far from telling someone they are feeble because they use therapy to deal with trauma, mental illness, and stress rather than tough it out. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, and therapy is no exception. Therapy is hard work, and people who come to therapy are courageous and strong to ask for help and to make changes in their lives

“Everyone who is in therapy starts going after some tragedy or crisis occurs”

Painful events such as deaths in the family don’t have to be the catalysts. People seek therapy for guidance in navigating a new phase in life, dealing with general malaise, refuting long-held negative beliefs, and more. Nothing horrible has to happen for people to want a happier life. Hospitals aren’t only for emergency room visits and a therapist’s office doesn’t have to be your mental or emotional fallout shelter. If you feel like your life is great and your mind is healthy, therapy can maintain or improve that.

“People who see therapists don’t have friends or family who are willing to listen and help”

Unless one of your friends, family members, or partner is a licensed therapist, you won’t receive the same mental health benefits from talking with them. You shouldn’t place that responsibility entirely on your loved ones anyway. Friends are for conversations, not venting. They will be there for you during hard times, but you shouldn’t regularly use them as a substitute for therapy. Venting out too much may also strain your relationships and may make the person at the receiving end think about you as someone else.

“Everyone who goes to therapy is on medication”

The majority of mental health professionals recommend people treat mental illness with a combination of psychotherapy and medication or therapy alone. You can start off with a therapist (people are usually more comfortable going to them) than a psychiatrist, and a lot of times, it’s the only help that is required. People also don’t prefer psychiatrists because they think they don’t need medication or think it would be an extraneous burden/they think they’d get into a habit of consuming these.

“If you go to therapy, you are probably a female”

This one is factually true just because girls and women face less stigma seeking help. Boys experience societal pressure that makes them ambivalent towards therapy, e.g. “Ladki jaise mat ro” or “Mard ko dard nahi hota”

“People will think I’m losing my mind”

“People will think my life is out of control”

“People will think I’m high maintenance”

“People will think I can’t handle any challenges”

“People will think I magnify issues”

“People will think I’m a loser”

“People will think I’m weak”

Everyone can resonate with feelings of being judged, and we are sure that one or two of these reasons above resonate with some of you reading this blog. What is important to keep in mind is that you are not crazy and you are not out of control. Choosing to go to counseling is 100% in your control and when you do, you are choosing to prioritize yourself and gain even more control over your seemingly uncontrollable situation. Also, keep in mind that our lives are valuable and priceless so you cannot possibly be high maintenance when you’re choosing to take care of your mental health. Life is short – we need to learn skills to replace behaviors that do not work and to address problems that cause difficulties in how we function in life. It takes a lot of strength to face mental health issues every single day, it is a battle and you are fighting it every day. That is far from being weak.

Why do teenagers need therapy? Aren’t their problems insignificant/trivial?

Teenagers go through a lot of issues, usually all at the same time; adding up to their emotional, academic, and physical burdens, which in turn cause a lot of harm, though seemingly trivial to their parents or other adults. Even if some issues may seem obvious, over-exaggerated, or dumb, and also considering that parents MAY have had a similar past that they got through without any kind of help, teenagers deserve a supporting shoulder and someone who won’t have a clouded judgment about their personal issues. Also, you being mentally strong doesn’t guarantee your children being the same too.

Each phase of development brings specific challenges for children. Mental health conditions can make these challenges harder. They may come up due to events in a child’s life. These could have been traumatic events, such as being bullied/abused. They can also be routine and seemingly trifling, like moving to a new home or losing a friendship.

I’ve made a list of events, later in this blog, which may impact a teen’s mental health.

If my teen is going to therapy, does that mean they’re weaker or less independent? What about societal judgment?

Understanding where parents are coming from can help better communication of your needs in a way that feels more supportive and validating for both sides. If you, as a parent or your parents grew up with less open support for mental health and expressing emotions, you may not be as familiar or comfortable with directly expressing your concerns or fears about therapy.

Obviously, as discussed above, therapy is not for “weak” or “disturbed” people who can’t handle their issues well. If anything, if your kid has confided in you about their issues and asked for help openly, they’re brave and understand themselves in ways that many others don’t. This also reflects on the relationship between you and your kid.

Do you or your teen need therapy?

Different situations impact different people and teenagers differently. Here are some issues which may impact your or your teen’s mental health.

by Vaikhari Sonawane

Where do I get therapy?

• Psychiatrists. Psychiatrists are medical doctors that specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric disorders. They can prescribe medication, but they don’t typically offer counseling services.
• Psychologists. Psychologists also diagnose and treat psychiatric conditions. They typically offer counseling services and other forms of therapy. Psychologists are typically not licensed to prescribe medication as part of their work. They often work closely with other healthcare providers who can.
• Psychiatric nurse practitioners. These professionals offer counseling, and education, and can prescribe medication in some states.
• Counselors. Counselors include licensed professional counselors (LPCs), mental health counselors, alcohol and drug use counselors, veterans’ counselors, and pastoral counselors, among other types. They offer counsel targeted towards their area of specialization. Some are able to diagnose and treat certain conditions, but they can’t prescribe medication.
• Clinical social workers. These professionals hold a master’s degree in social work. They can provide individual and group counseling but can’t prescribe medication.

It isn’t always evident which professional you should choose. It will depend not only on your needs and budget but also on factors beyond your control, such as specialists in your area. 

more about this

Refer to this article to learn about the types of therapy available.

LET’S GET REAL.

After getting rid of the stigma, one big problem still persists. The expense of therapy!

Therapy is a commitment, and it can be costly. An average therapy session would cost you something between Rs 1,000-Rs 3000 per session. Most professionals won’t be willing to negotiate so take this factor into account. The prolonged cost and effort to engage in it, combined with the difficulty of finding the right therapist (which can often be a trial-and-error ordeal), can be a deterrent for some — especially young people starting out in their careers who can’t dedicate a set amount of money per month to deal with any and all stresses. The cost of therapy can also be adjusted depending on the frequency of sessions, which in turn can be increased or reduced depending on if the patient is experiencing immediate crises. And the cost is set according to the amount of work both parties need to do in order to progress.

But fikar not! I found some free or affordable therapists for you in India!

Therapize India [Therapists below 1000]

Therapize India has a curated list of trusted professionals on its website. Visit the link in their bio and also go through their “Therapit Connect” posts!

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Mindpeers

MindPeers can be connected if you need someone to talk to.

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Youth 4 Peace Helpline (7303762763)

If you’re depressed, angry, stressed, fearful, anxious of alone, call on YFP India’s number.

Collated Mental Health Professionals

List of professionals, resources and services one can avail if they need support

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Mann Talks Hotline

The number is in the post’s caption! Talk to a trust mental health professional now.

https://www.instagram.com/mitalibhasin/guide/therapists-in-india-free-and-affordable/17910024889740663/

Care Me Health (299rs/sesh)

Talk to licensed therapists by visiting the link of number in the caption

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Mindroom India

One can available free and paid therapy options through the link in their instagram bio

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Yellow Club App

App to talk to a therapist!

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THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE STARTING THERAPY

Therapists can’t “read” your mind. You have to be open with details of the situation. If you’re not comfortable with that, you will get more and more comfortable in a session or two. It’s a process directed towards better mental health by empathy, communication, and trust.

There might be times when you leave the session feeling worse than when you entered. Maybe more exhausted. Definitely more vulnerable. Therapy brings out a lot of emotions at the forefront and they’re not always easy to deal with. But most likely, you chose therapy for change and while it can be really gratifying it does come with teething pains.

Therapists know exactly how grueling the journey to self-care and growth is. How it feels to expose yourself like that, so open and vulnerable. Judging you for your actions and thoughts is the last thing on their minds. You’re safe, your thoughts and secrets are safe. They’re not your friends or family so it’s actually easier for them to not judge you, to instead holistically focus on how to help you feel better.

How to get the right therapist for you?

• (One of the most reliable ways of getting a good therapist is word of mouth. Reach out to friends and families who may have taken therapy in the past. You can also take a look at reviews of therapists online.
• Is there a gender you’d be more comfortable talking to? Remember this is a face you have to bare your deepest secrets to. There is nothing wrong with having comfort-related gender preferences, as is also suggested by this article.
• Don’t confuse laziness with convenience. Simply because a therapist is located close to your house is not reason enough to go to them. Invest time in your mental health.
• Make sure you know your therapist really well. Know their degrees and qualifications, and what licenses they have. Also, look into if they have any specializations and if those specializations are similar to the kind of help you’re seeking.
• Let’s all normalize nervousness, please. It’s natural to feel nervous before interacting with a therapist.
• And when all else is done, just rely on plain instinct. It’s a good idea to take a trial session with them and then assess how it makes you feel. Are you feeling lighter? More isolated? Was the experience cathartic or burdensome? Sometimes even a phone call would give you an idea about the kind of person they are.)

Source

LET’S CONCLUDE!

Therapy is for everyone. These are SOME of the ways it helps you-

• improved communication and interpersonal skills.
• greater self-acceptance and self-esteem.
• ability to change self-defeating behaviors/habits.
• better expression and management of emotions, including anger.
• relief from depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions.

It is not something to be stigmatized and shouldn’t be a taboo anymore. It’s the 21st century people!

My personal experience with therapy and why I’m writing this blog.

Having gone to therapy before for peer pressure-induced anxiety, I have more clarity about how I feel and how I handle it. My relationships with the people around me have changed significantly, in a positive way. I can’t go into more detail about this but you can contact me if you want!

The reason I’m writing this blog is to try and remove the stigma around counseling. Some of my friends and people around me do need therapy and are mostly brought back because of “Log Kya Kahenge”

Humein khudki AUR logon ki thinking change karni hai.

If you want to be updated as the blogs keep coming, comment down below

-Vaikhari

“Sunaina beta, sunscreen use karte ho ki nahi? kitne tan hogaye ho!” “Sayra kitne dubli hogayi ho, kuch khaati ho ya nahi?” “Itni badi naak! Papa se saari gandi genes hi le li tumne” “Beta, pimples bahaut aane lag gaye hai, skin ka khayal rakha karo” “Aarav beta, basketball khelo, height badh jayegi” “Sharma ji, Akshay ko gym membership dila do, thoda healthy nahi ho gaya?”

“Tune dekha Sunaina tu kitni kaali lag rahi hai aaj?” “Dude, Sayra is literally a chalti-firti skeleton for real” “Bro uski naak? Pinocchio in real life” “Omg ew does he even wash his face? What’s with all the acne?” “I bet Aarav regrets not playing any sports right now, he’s shorter than half of the girls in our class” “How fat does Akshay want to be till he decides to hit the gym?” (Children who get bullied for their looks, get to hear this every day at school/classes/recreational spots/certain playgrounds)

2 perspectives, one from parents/relatives/adults, usually said because of genuine concern, put out wrongly. The other one almost never said to someone directly (exception: bullying/genuine friendly health concerns) out of disregard (at times, even disgust/hate for someone)

Parents/elders in general do not understand/know the effects of what these potentially general/innocent statements can be on their child, irrespective of the age. As this write-up is focusing only on the parent-child relations right now, I will only try to explain a part of what probably happens and goes on in your teenager’s mind.

What is pretty privilege? What are beauty standards? Where do these come from? How do these affect teenagers? What are the consequences? How do teenagers and their parents feel about these? What conversations can parents have with their children? What are the possible solutions?

PRETTY PRIVILEGE & BEAUTY STANDARDS

Pretty privilege works on the principle that people who are deemed more attractive, based on accepted societal beauty standards, have an upper hand in the world and are afforded opportunities that regular folks aren’t.

Beauty standards are the specific societal standards, constantly fluctuating and coming in as trends, deemed to be beautiful or acceptable.

Beauty Standards: Girls&Boys

Please note that all of this doesn’t apply to every single teenager but to the majority of them.

Perfectly toned legs, sharp nose, symmetrical face, prominent jawline, no hip dips, big-enough lips, small waist, big butt, flat stomach, and watch glass body are the female western beauty standards. From a parent’s perspective, yes, the child shouldn’t be feeling the need to be as perfect as this and try to fulfill the lack of any or many of these. But the internet representation of teens says otherwise. Numerous teenage influencers and social media stars blessed with beautiful genes/those fortunate enough to afford different cosmetic procedures get a say on how teenagers feel about their appearances.

Where social media does have a part in this, a lot of bullying/comments are passed by the teenagers’ peers. This leads to self-doubt in teenagers’ minds and makes them less confident.

Generally speaking, compared to girls, boys are less dissatisfied with their own bodies and consider themselves to be better-looking and less overweight.

In Western societies, the idea of a leaner, muscular, and V-shaped male body has developed as reflected in photographs in magazines.

Boys are expected to have a clean, sleek, masculine style; with perfectly sculpted bodies and sharp facial features (also symmetrical). They are expected to be tall and look more authoritative.

Taking bodies into consideration, both girls and boys, are expected to be thin but not too thin, have muscle, but not too much for girls, and a good amount for boys.

THE HALO EFFECT

The halo effect is something referred to as the “physical attractiveness stereotype” and the “what is beautiful is also good” principle.

A common example of this affecting public is how certain people could not believe that Ted Bundy was a serial killer; raped, strangled, or bludgeoned and mutilated his victims because apparently, he didn’t appear as a serial killer was “supposed” to.

WHAT DO THE POPULAR/ATTRACTIVE TEENS GET OUT OF THIS?

• They are more likely to be hired than an unattractive person
• They are more likely to get easier, higher-paying jobs than a so-called ugly person
• They are more likely to get out of doing unpleasant tasks
• They are more likely to be forgiven for dumb mistakes

Though parents may disagree with these, teen jobs, mostly related to socializing, marketing or advertising; do need the teenager to look visibly pleasing.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH TEENAGERS?

HOW DOES IT AFFECT THEM?

Teenagers (under 17) are the largest buyers of skincare and cosmetic products, following the 18-24 age demographic.

• Appearance-related concerns have increased among young people, compared to three years ago. Just one in four 7-16 year olds feel confident about how they look (25%), down from 39% in 2018. Additionally, one in five young people say they don’t like their appearance at all. (2021 ChildWise Survey)
• Young people with a visible difference are three times more likely to have experienced repeated unkind messages about their appearance on social media (16% versus 5%), and twice as likely to have had personal photographs sent to other people at school without their consent (17% versus 9%). (2021 ChildWise Survey)
• School is a much tougher environment for young people with a visible difference. One in three had mean comments relating to their appearance (31%, compared with 20%), and for one in four, this has escalated to some form of bullying (24%, compared with 13%).  It is therefore no surprise that they are more likely than their peers to feel worried or anxious about starting a new school (40% versus 29%).(2021 ChildWise Survey)
• Fewer than one in five 7-16 year olds have told a teacher about someone being bullied because of the way they look (17%).  Two in five young people with a visible difference have done this or know someone else who has done this (40%). (2021 ChildWise Survey)
• Nearly half of 7-16-year-olds have tried to stop someone from being bullied for the way they look or know someone else who has done this (46%) – this increases to over half for those with a visible difference. (2021 ChildWise Survey)

HEALTH HAZARDS

Eating Disorders:

https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eat-disorder.html

Signs your kid has an eating disorder:

• Extreme preoccupation about being overweight
• Strict dieting followed by high-calorie eating binges
• Overeating when distressed
• Feeling out of control
• Disappearing after a meal
• Depressed moods
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Frequent use of laxatives or diuretics
• Excessive exercising
• Irregular menstrual cycles

Sometimes, being part of a sport such as ballet, gymnastics, or running, where being lean is encouraged, is associated with eating disorders in teens. In one study, researchers linked anorexia with an obsession with perfectionism — concern over mistakes, high personal standards, and parental expectations and criticism.

What Are Symptoms of Eating Disorders in Teens?

Symptoms of eating disorders may include the following:

• A distorted body image
• Skipping most meals
• Unusual eating habits (such as eating thousands of calories at one meal or skipping meals)
• Frequent weighing
• Extreme weight change
• Insomnia
• Constipation
• Skin rash or Dry Skin
• Dental cavities
• Erosion of tooth enamel
• Loss of hair or nail quality
• Hyperactivity and high interest in exercise

Health hazards as a result of bullying

The psychological effects of bullying include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-harming behavior (especially for girls), alcohol and drug use and dependence, aggression, and involvement in violence or crime (especially for boys). While bullying can lead to mental health problems for any child, those who already have mental health difficulties are even more likely to be bullied and to experience its negative effects.

Health hazards as a result of rapid weight loss

Rapid weight loss creates physical demands on the body. Possible serious risks include:

• Gallstones, which occur in 12% to 25% of people losing large amounts of weight over several months
• Dehydration can be avoided by drinking plenty of fluids
• Malnutrition is usually from not eating enough protein for weeks at a time
• Electrolyte imbalances, which, rarely can be life-threatening.

Health hazards as a result of eating disorders

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/health-consequences

CONVERSATIONS TO HAVE

Teenagers are already reluctant to open up about their issues to their parents/peers, fearing judgment or their own parents shutting down their thoughts and opinions about a topic.

If your child does open up to you, you do not want to say-

• Focus on your studies, you do not need to care about how you look at this age.
• See? I noticed that too (particular disfiguration/pigmentation/discoloration/any other physical change in the child’s body). I did tell you to apply(certain home-made/laboratory-tested cosmetic/skincare products)
• Why do you care about what they say? Be strong!

/Instead, you could say I understand/am trying to understand what you’re going through.

Even if you do understand what it feels like, your teenager does not want to or need to know what you went through, at a different period of time, with different societal standards. This could be said once the child feels more comfortable/stable about themselves. Also know that every child heals differently, what helped you may not help your teenager.

I also understand that parents are concerned about their child’s physical health/appearance. Derogatory comments about your child’s body shouldn’t be and aren’t tolerable at all. If showing concern, it shouldn’t be put out as direct comments on a child’s body; softer statements, for eg, “Ishu, I’ve noticed you’ve been acting strange, your diet has changed, you’ve been losing your appetite. Is everything alright?” instead of “Isha, you don’t eat anything being served to you! You’ve grown thinner and look like a stick. Is your only aim in life becoming a skinny model?”

Comments about a teenager’s body weight, body shape, facial features, body hair, skin color change (discoloration/tan), etc. should all be addressed softly and out of genuine concern.

Not caring about what other people say or think, we expect you to not compare our skins or bodies to our cousins/friends/anyone. Children being skinny does not make you look like a bad parent. Them being a little sunburnt does not look like you don’t help them take care of their skin. Them having skin outbreaks at the age of 13-18 does not mean it’s the end of the world.

Actual skin concerns should be addressed only by a dermatologist.

General skin disorders in teenagers are

1. Acne
2. Eczema & Dermatitis
3. Dandruff
4. Athlete’s foot
5. Cold Sores
6. Excessive sweating
7. Sunburn

Parents also need to understand that teenagers are packed and loaded with hormones. They also need to understand that there is a huge generation gap between us and you, and therefore, we do not think the same way.

Teenagers need to understand that a lot of self-image issues and physical appearances will go away as they age. Teenagers shouldn’t feel pressurized or feel the need to go through an external cosmetic procedure as they haven’t yet grown into their features.

Beauty is subjective.