Reducing conflicts between parents and teenagers.

David Kozlowski, as in his TedxTalk observed that conflicts between parents and children arise when they cannot relate. “Don’t wait for your teenager to change, change the way you see them” is one of the key messages to take away from his ted talk (https://youtu.be/uzhmBDrB8E4)

*As a start to the blog, I want you to note that everything I write, works for my family and possibly won’t, for yours. Everyone works differently and it is up to you to form solutions and take decisions (only after having discussions with your child). It is also not right to ignore and be lazy about this, as the lack or presence of these discussions may break or make harmony.*

Let’s start with your conception of what a perfect human being is- are they smart? Strong? Beautiful? Kind? Tall? Fit? Are they a leader? Are they calm? Do they stand up for themselves? (It could be anything! It could be about looks or morals or behavior or how marketable they are. There is no wrong answer.)

Now that you know who you consider a perfect human being to be, does that conception affect the standards of how you want people around you to be? If you’re a parent, you probably want your child to be all-out obedient, academically brawny, morally strong, and street smart (the list goes on). If you’re a student, you probably want your parents to accept you, support you no matter what, not impose restrictions or limit or hinder your work, privacy, and what not- What you’re doing here is, formulating an image of a perfect parent/child.

I suggest a simple exercise. Think about who you are and how many of your own ideals are you following.

As a parent, are you confident? Or more specifically, were you confident as a child? Were you an entrance exam topper? Did you always make the perfect decisions?

I understand that as a parent, your concerns and roles, and decisions for your child’s life are heavily inclined towards helping them make the right decisions, with the help of your past experiences. It is also understandable that you didn’t have the same opportunities the Gen Z but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve worked harder, considering recent competition and overflow of resources.

As a child, are you emotionally intelligent enough to understand that your parent isn’t meant to be perfect? Do you try to see their side of the issue when you’re standing your ground on your side? Are you respecting them enough to expect respect back?

Expectations are a huge part of how relationships are shaped. Expectations aren’t always bad and parental expectations also have the benefit of encouraging children to develop their abilities. The difference lies in whether the expectations are with attunement to your child.

“Sometimes, expectations reflect our ingrained core belief patterns, making it difficult to be always conscious of them. We often become aware of our expectations only when they are not met, resulting in distress.” – https://theswaddle.com/parent-child-relationship-depends-mutual-respect-expectations-communication/

“Teens get angry because they feel parents don’t respect them and aren’t giving them space to do what they like, and parents get angry because they aren’t used to not being in control or they disagree with the teens’ decisions.” – https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/fight.html#:~:text=Clashes%20like%20these%20are%20very,disagree%20with%20the%20teens’%20decisions.

Expectations can be a driving force to motivate your children, but it’s hard to draw the line. Expectations in the right amount motivate while burdening them on your children makes you grow apart immensely. Maybe it’s time to question yourself- Are your expectations inclined towards your child’s growth and fulfillment, or are they to meet societal and peer standards? (It could be both, but it’s always focused more on one). Are they to fulfill your own dreams vicariously?

Parents only want what’s the best for their children but are also under immense pressure from society and their own self, just like children. Sometimes, it can become hard to differentiate the purpose/goal of the expectations you have from your children. During this process, parents may set harsh and unhealthy ground rules.

According to me, what both parties try to do is try to have control over one another. But as Neil D. Brown (therapist) said (https://youtu.be/VzflpW91yMg), “During adolescence kids grow from being children, accountable to themselves. Development on this journey can come to a screeching halt and family stress begins when parents and teens become locked in a “control battle”.”  

“When the relationship pattern between the parents and teens becomes a control battle, all the parents’ good intentions will be undermined by this beast. These battles take place over serious issues such as substance abuse. It takes place over homework or getting off the internet- battles can be various combinations of loud and high conflict.” “The common thread is that every engagement will feel stressful and will be unproductive. Parents’ attempts to change their teens’ behavior will be met with resistance and any improvement will be at best, short-lived.”

The more restrictions you put on your child, the more they will want to be break-free. It is a well-known fact that the strictest parents make the sneakiest kids. Having healthy boundaries and constant communication really reduces these.

I highly suggest asking questions and raising points in a concordant and congenial tone to make your teens actually think about issues and make decisions-be it right or wrong. 

For E.g. telling your kid to limit their time on social media isn’t even a LITTLE as effective as asking them questions like- “How productive will you find doing this in about 10 years?” “How effectively are you using these platforms?” “Are the people you’re talking to, really your friends?”

QUESTIONS LIKE THESE WILL MAKE YOUR TEEN SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY but at the same time, they’re so so so important. These are the questions that will get your teen thinking. MAKE SURE YOU DON’T REPEAT THE SAME QUESTIONS- LIKE EVER. THAT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE AND MAY RAISE SELF-DOUBT.

“The good news about fighting with your parents is that in many families the arguing will lessen as parents get more comfortable with the idea that their teen has a right to certain opinions and an identity that may be different from theirs.” https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/fight.html#:~:text=Clashes%20like%20these%20are%20very,disagree%20with%20the%20teens’%20decisions.

IT IS ALSO SO IMPORTANT TO ARGUE SOMETIMES. THESE ARE THE TIMES WHEN YOU ARE REALLY COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER AND GET TO LEARN ABOUT EACH OTHER.

Important

Do not give your kid complete freedom and completely ignore all behavior, letting them make their own major decisions without consultation. It is extremely important to set agreeable, negotiated boundaries. Being the “cool” or “nice” parent can sure be counterproductive.

Also, fighting too often could be the root of much deeper issues that aren’t recommendable to solve yourselves (AFTER TRYING A LOT). Family therapy sessions could be a good fit.