Teenagers: Rights and Responsibilities.

Instead of blaming everything on hormones, let us now start working towards becoming better people and let’s see what the parents can do.

“Adulthood, American psychologist Granville Stanley Hall said, was akin to the fully evolved man of reason; childhood a time of savagery; and adolescence a period of wild exuberance, which he described as primitive, or “neo-atavistic,” and therefore only slightly more controlled than the absolute anarchy of childhood”

Excerpt From

The Teenage Brain

Frances E. Jensen

This material may be protected by copyright. 

In brief, going through adolescence is like waiting in line for a doctor’s appointment with a thousand patients lined up in front of you- you come in positively, grow uncertain or optimistic looking at the people coming out of the office, feel uncomfortable in your space, sense a lack of privacy. And then with a bad report from the doctor, you may feel infuriated and betrayed and confused and morose and maybe composed ALL at the same time. That is how teenagers feel all of the time.

Now, as author Frances E. Jansen, MD, puts it, “When your three-year-old has a temper tantrum, do you blame it on raging hormones? Of course not. We know, simply, that three-year-olds haven’t yet figured out how to control themselves.”

Excerpt From

The Teenage Brain

Frances E. Jensen

This material may be protected by copyright.

This applies for teenagers as well. The teenage brain is “seeing” hormones for the first time. Because of this, the brain hasn’t yet accustomed itself to this new influx of chemicals and isn’t sure about how it should be modulating its responses. 

Coming back to Hall, who said, “character and personality are taking form, but everything is plastic”, referring to the adolescent brain and its malleability. Hall’s suggestion to parents and educators: Adolescents shouldn’t be coddled but rather be corralled and indoctrinated with the ideals of public service, discipline, altruism, patriotism, and respect for authority. 

These values in turn make a person socially and personally responsible, and holistically humane. 

But are we really even trying to imbibe these values in our teenagers now? In a rat race to achieve the perfect paragon of a child, an epitome of submission and intelligence, are we forgetting about stationing basic human decency?

The IIT Delhi CS kid with no honesty, no camaraderie, no responsibility, rationality, or obligations, couldn’t possibly survive a working environment, no, far less a leader position. At least, I find that hard to believe. 

“Teachers used to beat up students but that number has started decreasing now. New teachers don’t beat up kids but they scold them, only when they deliberately disturb the class. But they would still hit them and use cuss words for them right in front of them. So, now the teacher can’t even scold them or say anything when some students disturb the whole class just to test teacher’s patience. I know people who didn’t not even hit the student, just got scolded for bunking the class and the teacher still got slapped or punched. 2 years back i went to a school as an intern, I worked so hard preparing my lesson a day before my class. Next day, I go and start teaching, everyone is listening and clearing their doubts, but there was one kid who intentionally started disturbing the class, went to other students desks and just kept bugging them and i politely told him to go to his seat but he would not listen and lastly i shouted and said SIT DOWN. He did sit down but also used cuss words for me, right in front of me. So, I do agree with you that teachers started it and now students are more aware of their Rights but they also have to be aware of their RESPONSIBILITIES. And, there are legal ways to seek justice as there are multitude of NGOs that work on such issues, one should definitely get their help if a teacher hits them.” – @kumkum0805 via @awkwargoat3’s Instagram post

Incidences like these clearly portray the negligence towards a child’s reflection on their behaviour and social responsibilities. @kumkum0805 (Instagram) has rightly said that teenagers are now aware about their rights, now need to be aware of their responsibilities. 

So now, helicopter parenting is out of the equation. But what I really want to bold out is, parents and teenagers not knowing how to come to healthy decisions and ways to live with each their own rights and responsibilities is what starts a chain of incidences such as above. 

I’ve heard this come from my mother to me too, at least a 100 times and I have very very recently started seeing the truth to it. A battle ensues between teens who want rights and parents who want their kids to be responsible. 

So, let’s dive deeper into what these rights and responsibilities really are.

Every teenager has a right to rewards. They also have basic rights to food, shelter, education, health care, and security as they develop and grow into maturity.

Now, a teen may want to have tons of rights added to these. 

They want the right to go hang out with their friends, the right to have and spend your money, the right to stay up late, the right to make their own decisions, the right to decide when and what they want to study etc.

Now, according to me, if your teen is not off spending a whole month’s savings or off making someone pregnant, they should have these rights. But then again, there’s a clause attached. 

Let’s see it as a normal non-haphazard non-extreme diet.

You can have everything, but in a limit, to a certain extent, and if you go beyond that, there’s consequences, and worse ones in our case. Now, these limits too, vary with each type of edibles, or in our case, demands.

Let’s say your teen wants to go hang out with their friends, then, you get to have a say in who is coming, what time they’re going and what time they’re coming back, where they’re going, and what they will be doing. Don’t be a miser and put on too many restrictions on trivial things, eg. only one hour and I’ll come with you.

Personally, I’ve never had this happen to me, but I suppose there are parents out there doing so. 

As a teen gets more and more experience with handling various difficult situations, they will become more and more responsible. They just won’t get there magically without practice. So, a parent must set up ways in which a teen can earn access to privileges he’d like to have and then the parent must monitor the teen’s level of responsibility. When it falls below standard, some correction is given, but then the kid needs to get another try. Practice makes perfect. It’s okay to let teens have those types of difficult experiences. Each of those situations results in learning more and more about how the world works and it takes a person who understands how things work to be truly responsible. Unless a kid is allowed some room to make mistakes, make decisions, try theories, experiment with different behaviour styles or attitudes, he will never learn what works and what doesn’t, and he’ll never become… RESPONSIBLE.

PUTTING TOO MANY RESTRICTIONS MAKES ONE FEEL RIPPED OFF OF POWER AND WANT TO BREAK OUT, CREATING DISTURBANCES.

HOW DO YOU HELP YOUR TEEN BE A BETTER PERSON IN THE SOCIETY, AND TO YOU?

Everything starts from within. Within your heart, within your brain, within your house and within your circle. If you want your teen to communicate with you, start talking to them yourself. You want your teen to be more respectful? Start doing that yourself.

Try and be a good friend to your teen. A good friend doesn’t always know your deepest and darkest secrets and isn’t entitled to it. But a good friend knows what’s going on with you, how you’re feeling once in a while, and gets to have fun with you and gets to argue with you.

A good friend gets to have a say in what you do and how you do it, whether or not you like it, or choose to follow it. A good friend doesn’t burden you with expectations for themselves or judge you as harshly as a stranger or a very close person would.

I understand that, as a parent, this is hard but if you’re expecting so much from your children, maybe they should get something in “return” too.

Start appreciating your teen for the little things they do, making them feel more accepted and want to do the same for longer.

Be a good role model, be someone you’d want your teen to be or have the values you want to inculcate in your teen.

Support your kid and encourage inclusivity, acceptance, introspection, curiosity, exploration, kindness, discipline (but not submissive behaviour) and decision-making.

Don’t force your agenda onto them and learn to have an open mind. Stop worrying about the future too much, and focus on the present.

Trying to live vicariously through your teen, even subconsciously, leads to you putting extensive pressure on your teen, the seed to a future rebellious kid.

(Know that not every mistake your kid makes is a reflection of you and your personality. Sometimes, kids turn out so different from their parents just because of the people they surround themselves with.

eg. https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare)

Now, what should parents expect in “return”?

First of all, telling your teenager you “expect something in return” will set them mad and not want to give you anything anymore (even if they planned on, let’s say, completing all their homework as it came for the next week). So, let’s not do that. 

I remember going to a cafe with my friends out of the blue and convincing my mom into it. After my mom agreed, I was so ecstatic, I planned on giving away my phone to her to lock away and study all day like crazyyy. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but I did give away my phone, not happily at all, because I was greeted to a rant saying, “You’re wasting away your life and there’s no way you’re going to achieve something being like this”.

So, parents, maybe let’s cool down a bit.

But, teens, you need to start listening to them!!

IT’S YOUR TURN TO LISTEN (AGAIN, LIKE ALWAYS (lol))

Your parents and teachers and all your elders deserve your respect, empathy, attention, and you should be giving that to them. 

Try to be as kind and helpful to others as you can. It is wonderful for the people you help but also makes you feel great!

Maybe add nice little additive advantages to your proposals. Try promising something in your capability and not only your “wish” in return of your demand. Start EXPLAINING YOURSELF to your parents and elders because they may not always know why you want what you want or why you’re acting the way you’re acting.

Try not to judge others. Unless you have lived in someone’s shoes for a long time, you have no idea what their life is like and why they behave the way they do.

Develop yourself so you can be a person who adds value to the society by doing as well as you can in school and developing skills necessary to live a well rounded life.

Start speaking up for yourself but learn to be respectful while doing the same.

NOTE THAT EVEN IF ANYONE HAS BEEN UNKIND TO YOU, YOU SHOULD NOT RECIPROCATE IT. (That just messes up your position and agenda)

AND ALSO, YOU HAVE NO “RIGHT” TO CURSE AT SOMEONE OR ABUSE OR BEAT OR BE DISRESPECTFUL TO AN ELDER FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL. (I mean that just shows you’re a bad person)