Silent Treatment

A FORM OF OSTRACISM.

“how could someone do this to someone so close to them?”

A harmless way to get what you want without any verbal or physical arguments? No.

I mean- unless you want your kids to learn to hide away their feelings, grow apart from you and master the same skill, that is.

Leaving the room in the middle of conversation, ending your texts with a terse full stop to not talking to someone for weeks- where does one draw the line?

What is silent treatment?

Silent treatment is a refusal to communicate verbally with another person. People who use the silent treatment may even refuse to acknowledge the presence of the other person. Reference

Freezing someone out hurts both the receiver and the perpetrator. Yet, it’s extremely common, 2 out of 3 people have used this treatment themselves and received it from even more.

If you’ve had someone ignore and be passive aggressive with you over a conflict or decision, you’ve experienced the silent treatment. This is an easy way out, as it includes avoiding one’s emotions, and hard conversations. There are numerous reasons why one could resort to this method but it’s important to know that it’s not “harmless”, especially when parents are the ones initiating this, for it leads to major changes in a child’s behaviour and perception of you; in the present and in the long run. Today, I’ll write about my experience with the same along with facts and figures I’ve found from references.

What are some reasons why people start the silent treatment?

Sometimes, going silent may be the best thing to avoid saying things you would later regret. People might also use it in moments where they don’t know how to express themselves or feel overwhelmed.

But the other times, people use silent treatment in order to not be visibly abusive. The perpetrator usually knows that this affects the other person in a bad way. This is emotional abuse. #1  #2

1. Avoidance: When someone avoids a particular topic in the fear of saying something wrong, avoiding a conflict or avoiding emotions.

2. Communication: When someone does not know how to communicate their feelings clearly and openly, but wants to let the other person know that they are hurt/don’t want to talk.

3. Punishment: The most torturous way of “correcting” behaviour, people tend to use the silent treatment as a punishment to exert control and power over someone.

Silent treatment between parents and children

Parents usually use the silent treatment as punishment and children, for avoidance. I personally think that, as a parent, it’s you that knows better. Children are just mirrors and sponges, reflecting and absorbing your behaviour. Silent treatment on kids is as harmful as physical abuse on little kids, as it impacts a child’s thinking and perception about a parent or the world in the same way. Silent treatment, when used frequently and for extended periods of time to exert dominance can be abuse. 

WHEN IS IT A FORM OF ABUSE

A person may be using silence in an abusive way if:

• The perpetrator intends to or unintentionally hurts the other person.
• The silence lasts for extended periods of time.
• The silence only ends when the perpetrator decides it does, or when the receiver gives in to the perpetrator’s demands.
• The perpetrator talks to other people but not to the receiver.
• The perpetrator seeks sympathy and expects others to pick their side.
• The perpetrator uses silence to blame the receiver and make them feel guilty.
• The perpetrator uses silence to manipulate or “improve” the receiver, or to pressure them to change their behaviour.

If these resonate with your behaviour or the behaviour of someone you know, there are alternatives and healthier ways and solutions to overcome this strain in communication.

HOW DOES SILENT TREATMENT AFFECT BOTH THE PEOPLE INVOLVED?

A knife to the heart, silent treatment is extremely painful, especially when it comes from someone close to you. The following points have been taken from a research journal by Ms. Shilpi Agarwal and Dr. Nidhi Prakash from the Department of Psychology, in University of Delhi to write this block. 

1. Cause social pain to the target which activates the same brain regions which are responsible for physical pain.
2. Threatens the four fundamental human needs – belonging, self-esteem, control and meaningful existence.
3. Thwarts the need of belonging of the target.
4. Individuals who remain at the receiving end of silent treatment for prolonged periods may experience loneliness, depression, physical health problems, and may succumb to the lost needs which may lead to learned helplessness.
5. Silent treatment can hurt even when it is received by a disliked outgroup member (Gonsalkorale & Williams, 2007) or by merely observing others being on the receiving end of the silent treatment (Wesselmann, Bagg, & Williams, 2009).
6. Silent treatment goes against the human tendency to respond and communicate with others and, therefore, it requires more energy to stop oneself from responding to the target and makes the source ego-depleted, leaving lesser energy for future tasks.
7. Sources may experience guilt and regret and self- dehumanisation on using silent treatment with loved ones and others.
8. Sources’ need for belonging and self-esteem are compromised as if they feel that their behaviour has been immoral.
9. Over a period of time the sense of control diminishes as the source becomes so habitual to using silent treatment that it becomes difficult to stop it.

It is evident that this is an unacceptable way of grooming- making the other person lose their collective sense of belonging and lowering their self esteem.

Silent treatment, as mentioned above, grows on a person and becomes a habit over a period of time. How does this particularly affect children?

Children sometimes may not be smart enough to know why, but are smart enough to know that they’ve something wrong when on the receiving end. Continued efforts of trying to understand and solve the problem, with no response from the parent; or complete ignorance by the parent whatsoever, leaves a child feeling emotionally abandoned. For them, the absence of words could in turn be more painful than insensitive words. It’s hard to read in between the lines and know what someone expects of them. This in turn could lead to guilt piling up and them starting to feel lesser about themselves/blame themselves. 

Children could grow up to become people-centric, people pleasers, extreme reassurance seekers, confused about themselves, feel like a misfit, clingy and perfectionists.

As I mentioned before, children are like sponges, and these behaviours get imbibed into their behaviours and they act just like you in similar situations. If you use the silent treatment, it’s highly likely that your child will be at the giving end sooner or later if not in the present, already. This behaviour could affect their present and future relationships adversely. 

Giving someone the silent treatment is a poor method of communication in a relationship. It may occasionally be a form of self-defense, but it may also be an indication of emotional abuse. People should take action to address the silent treatment if they often use or endure it.

What are some alternatives and solutions?

Talking about the best ways to communicate and handle conflict can be helpful when planning to navigate the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships. You can elicit answers from one another by posing queries like “How much time apart do we need after a major argument?”. It’s crucial to express that you need time, and even better, to establish a time limit for when you’re willing to meet again to continue the conversation, to the degree that you can manage your emotions. 

The best approach to fix any problem in a relationship is via communication. Instead of shunning your child if you are upset with them for anything they did, tell them. Inform them of the error of their ways and offer advice on how to improve. If they make a mistake, assist them in picking up from it. Giving them the silent treatment won’t make them realise it; it will just make things worse.

The best solution is to stop the cycle. 

When I, personally, am at the receiving end, I feel rather helpless and not very eager to give in to demands. This makes me reciprocate silence back for extended periods of time, straining a well-built relationship. Doing this in turn, makes me feel selfish, callous and careless. Being on the either side is a tough game. What I like to do is take time and think about both sides of the situation. It’s easier to analyse the pros and cons this way and come to a healthy conclusion. Taking time apart is vital and could prove to add more strength to your relationships, given that you’re not verbally hurting someone. When taking time apart, please let the receiver know the purpose of the silence so as to keep the silence healthy. Once you’re in a calmer state, talk it out and get to conclusions appropriate on both sides. Compromises are necessary.